Impostor syndrome: the idea that you’ve only succeeded due to luck, and not because of your talent or qualifications.[1]
And boy do I have it bad.
Well, not that bad. I took the impostor syndrome
test, created by psychologist Dr. Pauline Rose Clance, and scored a 68
which means I only frequently have Impostor feelings. Could be worse…
could be always!
In all seriousness, impostor syndrome can take a serious toll
on people’s lives. There isn’t one defining answer as to why people experience
this, sometimes it’s due to personality traits, sometimes it’s because of
family/behaviour.
If I had to take a guess, I would say mine is a mix of both. While I certainly do deal with anxiety, growing up with two older siblings who have their own strengths made me feel like I had to work harder to be just as good as them. I love my siblings to death, but when we were younger, it definitely felt like a competition to be the best (at least for me). It wasn’t like my parents spurred this on, but I think it’s natural to compete against siblings.
But this is unhealthy for so many reasons. Firstly, it
creates unnecessary tension between siblings instead of camaraderie. Secondly,
getting satisfaction from being better means feeling 10x worse when you aren’t.
Here’s the real kicker though: while impostor syndrome is
typically connected to workplace environments (achievements, success, etc.), I
feel that my impostor syndrome is more prevalent in my personal life. Chalk it
up to emotional scarring and bad past experiences, chalk it up to a brain that
sometimes (often) has bad days, or what have you. Either way, it affects how I view
relationships more than anything else.
Instead of having a hard time accepting praise about my accomplishments,
I have a hard time accepting praise of how I am as a person. I once had a
friend tell me that one of my strengths is my empathy and I couldn’t understand
why she thought that. But the worst of it is instead of worrying that people
will find out I’m not as capable as they think I am, I worry that people will
find out I’m not worth their time.
Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for people to realise I am not worth hanging out with, talking to, or even being with. Like one day they’ll wake up and think, “Wow, Jaime is not that great,” and then that’s the end of that. Self-worth is tough.
You know when you're studying for an exam and the more you study, the better those neurological pathways become for recall? Yeah, it's like that except emotional. I think I got it in my head that if someone doesn't want me in their life, it's my fault. That it must've been something I had done or said to show them I'm not enough. And because of how often I have repeated it to myself, it becomes almost second nature to think that as soon as I feel like someone's attitude towards me has changed. And 9/10, it's just my imagination playing tricks on me! (I think).
This is a pretty personal thing to admit, huh. But acknowledgement
is the first step to healing! Second step? Sharing. So here I am.
Hey there, I am Jaime and I have bad impostor syndrome. Here's to figuring out how to deal with it.
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