lonely (aka "is it selfish")

is it selfish to be stuck thinking about all the things covid-19 took away from me? is it selfish to be stuck thinking about all those missed opportunities, those missed connections, and those missed moments? 

I am in such a position of privilege: I still live with my parents and we have enough to get by without worries. In the grand scheme of things, I really only have to worry about how to stave off boredom (and the ever-constant anxiety that comes with living through a pandemic). 

I have been so lucky to not know anyone directly impacted by this illness and, in a kind of morbid way, so lucky that I don't have to worry about having grandparents to worry about. 

But boy, do I really miss my friends. 

When you go from seeing your friends (in real life) on average twice a week to seeing them from a distance maybe once a month, it's a lot to adjust to. And these people aren't just my friends, but my support system. (And boy, do I need my support system).

But, is it selfish to miss them when I know that, in avoiding them, I am doing my part to keep people safe? I don't know if I have an answer to this question yet. 

All I know is, it's a heck of an emotional and moral conundrum to be in. And the best way to work through a conundrum is through list-making (and writing).

So, here is a list of the things covid-19 took away from me:

- university graduation

- dinners and happy hours with friends

- board game nights and beers

- clubbing (which is like a C+ experience at best, but still)

- my jobs 

- my emotional well-being (tbh this year didn't start well anyways)

- normal dates

- normal walks in my neighbourhood

- normalcy. (the "normal" we were in wasn't working for a lot of people in the first place though)

And here is a list of things covid-19 gave me:

- increased anxiety

- crying

- time to learn new skills — both artsy and practical

- more time with my parents

- animal crossing obsession

- crying (again)

- an IUD (because of all the spare time!)

- cuddles with the best boy in the world (my dog)

- more crying

- and a trip to the aquarium (mask and all)

I can't say that this year has been a total bust, I've actually had quite a few happy moments. But I could do without the daily crying. 

I guess the one reassurance is that I am not alone in feeling this way. We are all muddling through in our own ways and while some days are most definitely harder than others, spots of happiness shine through (hopefully). 

In the meantime, I will be listening to my sad sing-along playlist and finding new ways to cope with this uNpReCeDeNtEd time we are living in surviving through.

title inspo: https://open.spotify.com/track/4fPk5AIvhAOK9KELmztQxX?si=3S3w5xcdSbqYgbt4tf_HGw