did you know?

 Did you know that when you spend so much time worrying about how to make other people happy you can sometimes forget how to make yourself happy? Because I do!

Yeah, yeah, yeah that probably seems like an obvious thing to know. When you put everyone else's needs above yours, eventually you forget you have needs too. I'm not even sure when I started doing this, but what I can say is that for so long my mindset has been to make sure other people are happy. Them being happy makes me happy — and it makes me happier if I know I had something to do with that. 

Dangerous cycle to get into because what happens if, one day, I can't make them happy? What if nothing I say or do can comfort them? What if one day they decide that it's me not making them happy? 

Well, I can tell you from my many experiences of this: it doesn't feel great. When you start placing so much of your self-worth in the hands of others by trying to show them how much you care for them only to have them reject you or your actions, you just feel like a failure. You don't feel enough. You feel like it's your fault for them being unhappy. And because your brain is so set in its ways, reassurance does nothing. In fact, it almost makes the situation worse because you get upset with yourself for not believing people when they say it had nothing to do with you. 

I can't tell you how many times I've been told it wasn't me — both from the perspective of people trying to comfort me and from the person themselves. But then I start thinking to myself, "How could it not be? How could I not be the one to blame when you're unhappy?" Bleh. Bad brain, bad!

If you're like me, I'm so sorry that you feel this way too. It's tough not being able to believe your worth isn't dependent on what others think of you. It's tough not to believe that your worth isn't tied to the things you can do for others. It's tough knowing that you can love someone so much (so much) and still end up losing them. "Why wasn't I enough?" is a frequent thought I have had for the past 12 months.

But I was enough. I think. I don't know, it's hard to determine that. But I have to tell myself that I am otherwise I will end up spiralling. Maybe it's best to frame it as: "I did the best I could with the information I had," even if it feels like I could've done more. But could I have done better if I didn't have all the information I needed? But then again, now that I know that information, could I make the changes needed now? (Yes, this is how my brain functions on a daily basis, isn't it lovely?)

Do you know what really puts the cherry on top of this situation? I end up making myself so small because of this (smaller than I already am, physically speaking). The last thing I want to do is make others unhappy so therefore I feel like I must make myself as low-maintenance as possible. I give off this, "go-with-the-flow" type vibe because I don't want to cause problems. I am genuinely happy to do most things, but because I don't want to make waves, I forget to communicate my needs to people. I make myself as small as possible — I make it so I take up as little space as possible — so that they don't have a reason to be upset with me, so they don't see me as being "needy" or "asking for too much."

I know I have a tendency to over-care about people. Again, genuinely happy doing things for others and I need people to know I care about them because I truly do and the feeling that you get when you know someone cares about you is TOP-NOTCH. But, there is a very, very thin line between doing things for others because I want to and doing things for others because I feel like I have to in order to show them I am worthy of them. 

"Look at all the things I'm willing to do for you! Look how much I care about you! I would legitimately move mountains for you! Please stick around!" - my brain. 

It can be hard to distinguish between when I want to do something because I want to and when I am doing something because them being happy equates to them not leaving me. Don't get me wrong, I don't do things that I know will make me unhappy or put me in an uncomfortable situation. It's more a matter of doing things for the wrong reasons, even if it means the other person will be happy. But I so desperately want people to be happy?!? It's a real predicament.

I wish I could end this with some kind of helpful tip for not being this way, but honestly, I have no idea. 

All I know is this: I don't know when and I don't know where, but somewhere along the way, I forgot that I'm someone I should be making happy too. 

No more forgetting that. 

title inspo: Did You Know https://open.spotify.com/track/4ajhEvz68KJrN1xub1wmHN?si=HENdC8CrRp6pY8BThLCbag