healing

 Healing isn't linear, they say. 

I can't tell you how many times I've been told this — and how many times I've told others this. And it's not wrong, healing isn't linear. It isn't a straight, upward trajectory. It is a bent line. A crooked line. It has breaks and disconnections. It is a mountain range. It is a cliff. 

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to think you're finally healing only to realize you still have so much work to do. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to find yourself asking yourself, "What more do I have to do?" and then to not have an answer. 

I can't tell you how isolating it will feel. How you'll start to feel like no one wants to listen to you anymore; like they're tired of hearing you talk about the same thing over and over again. How you'll start to believe (wrongly) that they're annoyed at you for your lack of process. (Even I get tired of hearing myself talk about it); (even I feel like my own thoughts are a broken record sometimes). 

I can't tell you how much your heart will ache during this process. Or how many tears will fall. Or how many sleepless nights you'll have; how many nights you'll toss and turn only to see them in your dreams. I can't tell you how angry you will be — at them, at others, at yourself. But please don't be angry at yourself. 

All I can tell you is that you will see that upward trajectory. All I can tell you is that it won't last forever. Really, it won't. All I can tell you is that it's okay to be frustrated with the process — and to keep working on it anyway. All I can tell you is that your friends and family and supports aren't annoyed with you. And to tell you to not be annoyed at yourself either, brains are mean sometimes. All I can tell you is that feeling your feelings is important, just as important as finding healthy ways to cope. All I can tell you is that crying is okay. And that your dreams are just that — dreams. (Dreams can be just as painful as real-life sometimes.)

All I can tell you is that healing isn't linear. But that doesn't mean it'll spiral downwards forever.

winter surf - alek olsen