untainted (an excerpt)

An excerpt from a longer piece of work on tainted memories.

It's hard not to taint good memories.

It's hard not letting bad experiences affect good memories. Sometimes there is value in remembering those bad experiences — and in letting those experiences colour those memories; it's a way of remembering and learning lessons. Some memories deserve to be tainted. 

But some don't. 

It's hard not to taint the few good memories of 2020. It's hard not to taint the only good memories I have left, so instead, I am working on reframing those memories. Instead of thinking, "How I wish I could live in those moments again," it's becoming, "How lucky am I to have experienced a love like that?"

How lucky am I to have fallen in love? How lucky am I to have been held? How lucky am I to have gotten to laugh in a year as messed up as 2020? How lucky am I to have spent a summer — a summer that otherwise would've spent in almost total isolation — with someone I would've happily spent many more summers with?

I want to be able to look back and think to myself, "What an experience. What a love to have had." Because how lucky would I be to be able to look back fondly, even after all that? How lucky would I be to be able to smile as I reminisce? And how lucky am I have been so happy, even if only temporarily? How lucky am I to be capable of loving?

happy new year, everyone. i hope 2021 treats us all better.

tainted memories - a poem

despite all the pain
there was still good
this year. i am trying
to keep those memories
untainted
because they
are all i have left
of you.

copilot - toth