signs

 I try not to put too much stock into "signs."

But it's hard to ignore things that you want to see. 

I've been seeing a lot of the same numbers lately.  Depending on which of my friends you ask, it's either a sign of something good to come or I'm losing my mind. I've seen so many 11:11s lately. I've seen 22s and 88s. It's getting to the point where it's a little freaky.

The thing is, I can't tell if this is some universe-sent message or if I'm now looking for those numbers because I want them to mean something. I've talked about this before, this comfort in believing in things, like astrology. It's like a religion for those who aren't religious (although I suppose you could be both). 

When my brain is sad, it will latch onto anything that makes it feel better, even if just temporarily. Maybe seeing those numbers makes me feel better because I think they mean something. Maybe they don't mean anything. Maybe I just want them to mean something. 

And when new songs come on that just perfectly articulate what you can't, is that not a sign? And when you see words that describe your situation so vividly, is that not a sign? And when you spot a star through dense clouds, is that not a sign too? 

Who knows. I am not about to claim that the universe is sending me a message, but I am also not about to claim that it isn't. 

I feel like I'm starting to reach this mindset of, "What will be, will be." I can't control everything despite wanting to, I just have to let the universe do its thing. If the things I want are meant to happen, they will.

But there's also a part of me that recognizes my autonomy: my ability to make an impact. If I just let things be, am I taking a passive approach to my life? Should I not be trying to get what I want? Is just waiting to see what will happen ignorant of my ability to make choices? 

You see where my dilemma lies now, don't you? I want to be able to just... let things be what they will be, but I also want to take action. Are these signs telling me to wait or are they telling me to act or are they merely my brain trying to hold onto something I should be letting go of? 

And what if I don't want to let go? 

Too many questions, too few answers. And in some of these instances, I know what answer I want, but I don't know how to get it or if I can get it at all. 

something to believe in - madison cunningham

"there's a raging storm,

a surging rush of water,

a whirlpool, and

big black clouds

encircling the sky.

and there's a light,

a big, bright light. protection?

something calling you toward it?

hope? yes, it must be those things.

the light is guiding you to safety,

to home. it is a beacon guiding 

you to hope that

you will soon be out of the dark"

- j