Who or what gets to determine what we deserve?
(I want to start by saying that I am definitely oversimplifying things. Life isn't as black and white as I'm about to make it seem. If you're going around being mean to others or hurting them, then you're probably not going to be treated with kindness in return even if you want it. Maybe if people got the love and care we all deserve to have growing up, people wouldn't act in this way, but unfortunately, some people will choose unkindness anyway. For now, let's just assume everyone is good.)
"I deserve it."
"Even they don't deserve that."
"You deserve better."
These are all things that have been said to me at some point in my life (and probably in yours, too). The last one is definitely my least favourite and I will get into that later.
But how do we determine who is deserving of what? Is it based on our actions? Is it based on who we are? Is it contextual or is it arbitrary?
Some actions we take can impact what we "deserve," but there are outside influences that impact the results.
If I didn't take an essay very seriously and got a C+, you could say I kind of deserved that grade. My actions (or rather inactions) warranted that result. No one is going to say I deserved a higher grade if they knew I didn't bother putting in the work for it.
But say I spent weeks working on it — revising and researching and pouring everything I have into it — and still got a C+. "You deserved a better grade! You worked so hard on it!" Okay, but I didn't get it. No matter how much I may have deserved it, my actions didn't get me that "deserved" result. And that's because someone else marked it. That's because someone else has no idea how much effort I put into it, they're just seeing the end result, and they didn't like it. The marker is an outside influence. And that's how school (and life) often works! People don't always see the efforts we put into things (and in this instance, I definitely have worked hard on an essay and still had it suck).
Life isn't about getting what you deserve because you take certain actions. It's about doing your best. Sometimes your best doesn't work the way you want it to and that's okay. You just have to keep trying until things do. (And if you really think you deserved a higher grade, wait 48 hours, and then go talk to whoever marked it).
There are some things, however, that we do all deserve.
We all deserve to have our basic needs met: shelter, food, things like that. We shouldn't need to take action to get those things, we just should get it because everyone deserves to live comfortably and not have to worry about how they're going to survive. What you do after your basic needs are met is up to you!
And we all deserve the unmaterial — things that aren't tangible: We all deserve to be loved. We all deserve to be cared about and to be happy.
Sometimes we don't feel like we do deserve those things though. Sometimes life has taught you that you aren't worthy of it. Life is wrong.
And then there's"You deserve better." That's what people say to comfort you when you're heartbroken, "You deserve better than the person who broke your heart."
My response is usually, "But I wanted them to do better." If you're in the anger-stage, maybe that phrase works. But it's not comforting to be told this when you're still in the sad-stage because when you're there, you're not wanting someone new to do better, you want that person to do better, that person who you already love.
And that phrase also gives off this feeling of being pedestaled.
"This person wasn't good enough for you" is what "you deserve better" sounds like. And that (depending on the context) unfair to both parties. No one is "not good enough" for me. And I am not "too good" for anyone else. I am me and you are you.
I've been told that I give too much — that I care too much. Maybe I do. Maybe my heart is too big, but that's just the way I show people I care. It's not a matter of whether or not they "deserve" it. I'm still gonna do what I do unless they REALLY exhibit reasons as to why I shouldn't.
If we want to be treated with love, then we deserve that. Regardless of someone else's actions toward us, that is always true. Regardless of whether someone loves you or not, you are still deserving of being loved.
Deserving and worth then become intrinsically tied to one another. Do people deserve things because they are worthy of them? Do they not deserve those things because they are unworthy? Am I not worthy of deserving love? Were they not worthy? The answer is, of course, no.
We are all worthy of love. Some people just won't give it to us, and it has nothing to do with what we deserve or what we are worth. Life just isn't fair sometimes.
And if you managed to get through this mess of a blog post — and despite everything I just said about life not being about what we deserve — I want to leave you with this:
You do deserve — and are worthy of — love.
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