being loved

 I would like to be loved, please.

Of course, me saying that would imply that I am not loved, but I am. I think. Honestly, who's to say.

I find myself thinking this more and more lately. When my brain isn't doing so well, it starts to latch onto certain phrases. I can't help what those phrases are, my brain just does it itself — we do not always work well together. 

At the beginning of this year, after my heart got a little pummeled, that latched-onto-phrase was, "Why I am not good enough?" This phrase has now become a reoccurring one and it covers more than just relationships (platonic or romantic). It also covers applying for jobs, learning new hobbies, and even for simple interactions with others. My self-worth has been broken down, piece by piece, over the past 12 months and just when you think you've built it back up, something happens and it sets you back again. 

My heart is prone to cracking. She's a sensitive thing, my heart. Cracks do heal, but it can take a long time. And those cracks weaken the structural integrity and then boom. Something big happens. And suddenly those cracks become pieces and, the next thing you know, I'm getting out the broom to sweep up the fragments so someone else doesn't get cut by them.

I've been getting a little better at dealing with that little phrase, that little voice that says I am not good enough or, "worth it." I've been getting better at understanding that my worth isn't dependent on what I can do or what I can offer to others. Now, understanding that doesn't mean I believe it, it just means I understand that this is what I should be thinking. There's a difference! But it's a step in the right direction. Baby steps, anyways.

But now? Now, I am having to deal with multiple phrases. It's hard enough dealing with one, but I have like twenty. Some of those will just fade with time and there isn't anything I can do about them right now. But some of them I have the power to deal with, I just don't quite know how to. 

One of those phrases being: "I just want to be loved." I know that I am. But I don't know that at the same time. I am the kind of person who needs reassurance (which is something I hate admitting because it makes me feel weak even though deep down I understand that needing reassurance does not make me weak). 

Another instance where understanding does not mean believing. 

I think part of the journey to getting past that thought is realising that love means a lot of things. I try to express my love for people all the time because I need people to know how much I care about them. And my friends tell me they love me fairly frequently (or they show it). My family, too. I don't always believe them because my brain has told me over and over again that I can't be loved. 

To make matters worse, I don't show myself love very much.  I don't even know how to. I guess that could be done through self-care, but eh. I can only do so many facemasks before I get bored with them. 

Well, this got sad really quick. 

It's time for me to shift from dealing with my facial pores to dealing with the pores of my soul. I guess that's what therapy is for. I guess that's what art is for. I guess that's what writing this is for. Writing things (and posting these words) will hopefully hold me accountable. And maybe next time I write about this, I will be better.

But for now, I just want to believe that I am loved. And that I am worthy of that love.

i just want you to love me - austin manuel