for myself

 I am so used to doing things for other people that I've forgotten to do things for myself.

I've talked about this before, this tendency to care for others more than myself, this tendency to put on their oxygen mask before my own. 

But I feel like I'm starting to get back to thinking about what I want and need too. I will always care tremendously about others because that is ingrained in who I am as a person, but I have to train my brain to include myself on that list of people. And that's what I've been doing these past few weeks.

I want to do what I want to do. 

I want to sing loudly in my room and not care what anyone else thinks (sorry, mom and dad). I want to dance wildly while blasting music and who cares if the blinds are open. I want to paint what I want to paint and write what I want to write and wear what I want to wear. I want to drink coffee in the morning (even though it makes me jittery) and treat myself to at-home spa days. I'm going to therapy because I want to get better — I need to get better. 

I'm learning to not think of myself as a burden or as too much work. Those who care about me will put in the effort, and you better believe I'll put in the work for them too. I am learning to not downplay my needs because I deserve to have those needs met. 

I am trying to fall in love with myself again. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see every day, not just some days. I want to be able to express myself without fear of what someone else might think (unless these forms of expression are harmful to others). I want to be able to be fully me: grandma-doing-crosswords-and-embroidery vibes, overall-wearing-space-buns vibes, bumblebee-and-yellow-loving vibes, activist-and-opinionated vibes, Jeopardy-quiz-trivia vibes, and words-and-art-and-communicating vibes.

But most importantly: a girl who loves above everything else. 

love more - sharon van etten