marinating

This is not a post about cooking.

Although, I will say that I do love a good marinade. I tend to go off-book and just toss in whatever I think would taste good together, like soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, honey, and salt & pepper. Mmm.

Jokes aside, it's analogy time.

Over the years, I have developed numerous ways of discussing my feelings. Sometimes the best way I can explain things to others is by not being direct, so instead, I try to come up with analogies and metaphors. Marinating is an analogy I use often.

Marinating is the process of soaking in sauce; of taking in all those flavours until they are no longer separable. And then, when the marinating is done, they get cooked. The marinade and marinadee are truly one. At this point, you can't eat the marinade without the marinadee (and yes, marinadee is not a word, but bear with me). 

I am currently in the marinating phase. I am marinating in my feelings and my experiences. I am marinating in my sadness and heartache and pain and fear. Every once in a while, someone will open the fridge to check on me. They'll poke and prod and ask, "Are you done marinating yet?" and the answer is a resounding, "No."

Unfortunately, there's no way to tell how long this phase lasts, no way to tell when I get to take myself out of the sauce that is my Feelings and toss in the oven to have all those feelings baked. Sometimes I only need to marinate for a day, sometimes I marinate for a week, and once, I marinated for about two years. But I have hope that the time will come soon and when it does, I'll be ready.

Those feelings and experiences will become a part of who I am, much like the marinade becomes part of the meat/veg. You won't be able to get a piece of me without getting a piece of that marinade. And that's not a bad thing. Experiences influence who we are, who we become, and who we want to be. 

After everything that I've been through in my life -- of which I acknowledge my extreme privilege in life -- I know who I am, who I've become, and who I want to be.

I want to be someone who is kind, despite not always receiving kindness in return.

I want to be someone who loves, and loves deeply, despite not always being loved back.

I want to be someone who tries her hardest, despite not always succeeding. 

I want to be someone who marinates in her feelings -- someone who processes and feels and explores what those feelings are and what they mean-- and then puts herself in the oven so that we become one.

I am a marinade, marinadee, and marinader all at once. If only I tasted like sesame oil. 

nothing - meija