A message to my younger self.
When I was younger, I had my whole life planned out. I wanted to be a published writer, married by 26, and with a family and a house. Maybe I'd be living in Europe or New Zealand, somewhere out in the countryside. Maybe I'd be a librarian too, just for the hell of it.
Safe to say, I am nowhere near any of those goals — nor do those same goals exist. But that's okay; life is not meant to be perfectly planned out or perfectly executed. Those imperfections (if you can really call them that) are what make life exciting. And scary. Very scary.
I still want to write and I still want a family (and a home), but I am pretty happy with living in British Columbia for the near future. And little me also didn't realize you'd need to get a Masters's degree in Library Sciences in order to be a librarian... no thanks.
If little Jaime knew me now, I hope she’d be proud. I hope she’d be proud that despite the setbacks, despite the losses, despite not having accomplished the things I said I would (yet), despite the heartbreaks I have endured, I am still doing my best.
Every day is an effort to get through. Every day requires hard work and determination, even the laziest of days. Every day requires me to put on a brave face and tackle the world and what it throws at me. That's life.
If someone would've told me as a child that I didn't have to go through things alone, that they were there for me to be a shoulder to lean on, I think little Jaime would've felt safer. I had gotten so used to taking care of my own needs by myself (or convincing myself that my needs weren't important) that it took a while to learn to open up.
I've learnt how to do that — and I've still got more learning to go.
I hope little Jaime would be excited to learn that she’ll finally like the way she looks. I hope she'd be excited that she has a style she loves and a face she adores and sticky-out ears that she accepts as a part of who she is.
I hope she’d be excited for the friends she’s gonna make — and the friendships that she strengthens. I hope she’d be excited that she and her siblings are closer than she ever thought possible and that they have a group chat and inside jokes. I hope she'd be excited that she can feel comfortable talking to her big sister, the girl she always looked up to, about everything. I hope she'd be excited that her big brother will always have her back. I hope she'd be excited to know that she is loved.
Little Jaime was a lonely girl, despite rarely being alone. Little Jaime felt like the black sheep. Little Jaime felt isolated and unwelcome, at times. And sometimes little Jaime would cry out that all she wanted was to be home, even when she was (sometimes home doesn't feel like home).
Not anymore.
If little Jaime could see where we are now, I think she'd be pretty happy (even though sadness still permeates some of her life). I think she'd feel ready for whatever adventures she embarks on.
I know current-Jaime is.
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