Dude, I love therapy.
Writing, drawing, painting, music, dancing (badly), singing (also badly)... anything creative that gets the ole brain juices going makes me feel better. Art is a therapeutic way of coping with things.
But it was important for me to realise that art is not a substitute for actual therapy. Therapeutic coping is not therapy.
My writing and imagination can help me reach conclusions about the ways in which I process feelings and emotions, but I need someone to help me dive deeper into that — or tell me when that way of thinking is actually doing more harm than good.
Through therapy, I've learned that I don't know how to harness anger as a tool. I grew up being scared of anger, of the yelling and the way it can fracture families, and now I avoid confrontation and try to do my best to not cause waves.
(I want to make it clear that while my family is not perfect, I know how lucky I am to have the family I have, even if there are moments where anger is present; anger is natural. But that doesn't mean it's always good — and that doesn't mean it's always bad).
Despite all that, I do use anger. But I use it if I know it's for someone else. I have always been the type of person to stand up for others. I have my friends' backs; I get angry on their behalf. I use that anger to create change if I know it will benefit someone else. But I am rarely angry for myself. That's why I struggle to set boundaries and assert what I need.
I don't want people to be angry with me, so I do my best to manage things on my own — as I always have because I was a bit of a lonesome child — except that I can't always do that by myself.
It's like I'm holding a ladder for someone else to climb and watching them get higher and higher while I never leave the ground. I am now realising that I should be climbing that ladder with them. I know myself; I know that I will always put others before myself, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't attend to my own needs or deserve to have those needs met by others.
I need to be on that ladder with them, and if I'm a few rungs below them, I am okay with that.
I just know that I can no longer stay on the ground.
(it is not my birthday, but enjoy this birthday pic anyways)
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