Skip to main content

the ladder

Dude, I love therapy.

Writing, drawing, painting, music, dancing (badly), singing (also badly)... anything creative that gets the ole brain juices going makes me feel better. Art is a therapeutic way of coping with things. 

But it was important for me to realise that art is not a substitute for actual therapy. Therapeutic coping is not therapy. 

My writing and imagination can help me reach conclusions about the ways in which I process feelings and emotions, but I need someone to help me dive deeper into that — or tell me when that way of thinking is actually doing more harm than good.

Through therapy, I've learned that I don't know how to harness anger as a tool. I grew up being scared of anger, of the yelling and the way it can fracture families, and now I avoid confrontation and try to do my best to not cause waves.

(I want to make it clear that while my family is not perfect, I know how lucky I am to have the family I have, even if there are moments where anger is present; anger is natural. But that doesn't mean it's always good — and that doesn't mean it's always bad). 

Despite all that, I do use anger. But I use it if I know it's for someone else. I have always been the type of person to stand up for others. I have my friends' backs; I get angry on their behalf. I use that anger to create change if I know it will benefit someone else. But I am rarely angry for myself. That's why I struggle to set boundaries and assert what I need. 

I don't want people to be angry with me, so I do my best to manage things on my own — as I always have because I was a bit of a lonesome child — except that I can't always do that by myself. 

It's like I'm holding a ladder for someone else to climb and watching them get higher and higher while I never leave the ground. I am now realising that I should be climbing that ladder with them. I know myself; I know that I will always put others before myself, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't attend to my own needs or deserve to have those needs met by others. 

I need to be on that ladder with them, and if I'm a few rungs below them, I am okay with that. 

I just know that I can no longer stay on the ground.

(it is not my birthday, but enjoy this birthday pic anyways)
the end - misterwives








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

power of personality: enneagram

 Enneagram comes from the Greek words, "Ennea," meaning 9, and "gramma," meaning written or drawn.
Post a Comment
Read more

the (mis) representation of Asians in Hollywood

This May, Asians across the globe will be celebrating Asian Heritage Month, more commonly known in the USA as AAPI heritage month.   This felt like the right time to rehash one of my favourite essays that I had the opportunity to write while in university about the misrepresentation of Asian Americans (and Asians in Western societies) in media.
Post a Comment
Read more

sleep, pretty darling, do not cry

It's been over a week since I've arrived in the Netherlands and it's been a couple days since my parents and I parted ways: them back home to Canada and me back to my residence in Maastricht. It's strange to be away from home. Throughout the week I had my parents by my side to help navigate through the towns and through living abroad. Now that they're a 9-hour flight plus a 2.5-hour train ride away, it's suddenly hit me that I now have to navigate this alone. Although there's a huge international student population here in the city (meaning I'm probably not the only kid who's homesick after a week), it feels like everyone I've met is eager and excited to be here. Meanwhile, my brain is trying to convince me that coming here was all one big mistake. I know that in a few days -- or weeks --  I'll start to adjust to life on my own, but right now, it seems like an impossible task. Even though my parents have said that if I wanted to come home...
Post a Comment
Read more