I am a twenty-something-year-old with grandma vibes.
Sometimes I feel like I'm getting old. I'll see a new meme or some new slang and just feel completely out of the loop (I have had to urban dictionary some Gen Z terminology, I won't lie). I do crosswords in my spare time, watch Jeopardy regularly, and occasionally do embroidery.
And sometimes I feel like I'm super young. I hesitate to acknowledge that I am in "adulthood" and I still get carded when I try to buy alcohol (although that probably won't change for a while). I am often the youngest in the offices I work in and I feel like that can sometimes give the impression that I am "with it" in terms of youth culture.
But mostly I feel like I am not where I'm supposed to be at my age. I live with my parents, I don't have a full-time job yet, and my life is still very much in shambles.
I only graduated from school last December, so I know deep down that I'm doing fairly well given the circumstances, but there's still something, some voice in the back of my mind, saying I should be further ahead.
I think so much pressure gets put on us as we grow up to have some kind of masterplan. We graduate high school and are expected to know what we want to study in post-secondary (if we choose to go). We get asked what our 5-year plans are when — especially lately — I can only think in terms of weeks (and sometimes only in terms of days).
I never really had a cohesive 5-year plan because I hated the idea of having to plan out my life that far in advance when life is unpredictable. I always felt like it was good to have a general idea of what I wanted, but planning it out and expecting it to happen isn't the way my brain works.
Unfortunately, that meant going through university with only a rough idea of what I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to get my degree in (Communication and English) but then, what about after? BIG SHRUG. I have finally gotten to the point where I think I know what I want to do, but will I still be doing it 5 years from now? Who knows.
If you had asked me as a kid what I thought my 20s would look like, I wouldn't have expected it to look like this. I know I'm only three years into my 20s, but boy oh boy, these three years have been A Lot. Little Jaime thought I'd be married and starting a family by 26 and I can tell you right now that, even with three more years to go, ain't no way. Little Jaime thought I'd be moved out by now and that won't be happening until maybe next year (I don't do well on my own so I am waiting for my friends to be ready to move out with me). Little Jaime also did not predict we'd be in a global pandemic but I don't blame her on that one.
Life is unpredictable. I like plans, but I also understand that plans change often. I think that fear of change means I am uncomfortable with thinking too far in advance. This isn't to say that I am afraid of commitment, quite the contrary! I love the idea of commitment because I crave stability because I fear change. But thinking about where I might be, where my family might be, and where the world might be in 5 years? No thanks.
Right now, I am happy just trying to figure out how to survive the next month.
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